We as adults, get used to being the authority figure, the one with all the answers. We assume kids lack the knowledge or experience and always need to be told what to do and how to do it.
We think that it is in their best interest to teach them what we already know in order save them the effort and time to find out for themselves. Maybe we think that they will either never ask the right questions or will never look for the answers themselves. Maybe we think that by giving them all the answers, they will be ahead of the other kids.
But what if we are actually hurting them instead of helping them?
Let’s say one day you are running late and need to get out the door as soon as possible. You do not have time to let your little one put on his own socks and shoes. And this happens quite often, so it becomes a routine. The one day your kiddo is excited about putting on their socks, he struggles, he puts them inside out or half way. He tries a couple of times and then when he is about to finish…You appear and undo his work and do it for him and hurry him out the door.
Let’s say another day, your kid grabs a cup and goes to the fridge to pour himself a cup of water. You don’t notice until his cup is half full. You start yelling and running to save the water from being spilled all over the floor. You end up scaring him and he indeed splashes all over the place.
In both situations, you justify your actions for the sake of saving time or avoiding a mess. But you have just sent a very clear message to your kid. That he is incapable of doing those tasks and that it is better to let the adult complete those tasks for him. As a result, the kid starts to assume a passive role on his own life, thinking that others need to constantly tell him what to do and how to do it. Those feelings of being incapable and undeserving can grow into a disengaging and uninterested attitude in the future. They become passive learners, instead of actively seeking knowledge and doing things for themselves.
Now, let’s turn the stories around:
You let your kid try and try again, until he finally puts his socks on…backwards (It’s ok. It’s not the end of the world). The next day, you let him try again. Every day he gets better. Maybe you run late a couple of times or maybe you move your routine around to account for those moments. But after a couple of weeks, your kid is now able to do it all on his own. Similarly, with the water cup. He will spill the water a couple of times, he might overfill the cup. But after many trial and errors, he fills up the cup to the top and walks carefully to the table without spilling it. You watch from afar, as to not distract him. You and him are feeling very proud right about now.
This is where it gets even more interesting:
When he sees you about to put on your OWN socks or shoes or about to pour YOURSELF a cup of water, he goes to you with all his confidence and head up high to teach YOU how to do it. Step by Step.
Priceless.
By encouraging our kids to be self-sufficient, self-starters and self-learners, we are paving the way for them to create their own future. As opposed to relying on others to constantly tell them what to do or doing things for them for the rest of their lives.
When babies come into this world they have such momentum! But the adults put the brakes on and stop them. We push and pull them in different directions without giving them a say on which way they want to go. And then we wonder, why they become so idle when they grow up, lacking motivation and waiting on someone else to push or pull them.
So please, parents and teachers, stop teaching for a second and let the kids teach you instead. Don’t kill their curiosity, don’t shut their questions, don’t give them all the answers. Let them search for it, let them try for themselves, let them come to you with excitement to show you their findings. Yes, even if you already knew the answer. Eventually, they will teach you something you didn’t even know.
But don’t worry parents/teachers, you are still needed. You are there, not to tell them the what or the how, you are there to enable their independence, encourage their trial & error attempts, motivate them to not give up and to answer their questions along the way. Just don’t get in their way! Walk beside them.
Other tips and simple ways you can encourage your kid to become independent:
- Let them peel their own boiled eggs and peel their own bananas.
- Let them eat with their hands, don’t force utensils on them.
- But if they want to use utensils, don’t correct the way they hold them.
- Let them open their own food boxes or fruit cups. No matter if they spill or drop half of it on the floor.
- Give them easy access to wash their own hands and brush their own teeth.
- Have them water the plants, and give them a towel to clean the mess afterwards.
- Be patient, don’t jump in to help or guide him right away. Allow some time for him to figure it out and try different options.
- Act helpless sometimes, ask them for help and advice.
- Include them in your chores, laundry, sweeping, cooking, shopping, even if it takes longer.
- Find a simple recipe that your kiddo can make, so they can count, read and mix in all the ingredients.
- Include them in conversation, ask their opinion, give them choices and respect their decisions.
If you liked this post, I recommend you read this one. It talks about how to put yourself in the shoes of your child, so you can see the world through their eyes.